When you're alone it will be there with you
Finding ways to stay so low...
The weekend before she came down to see us and honestly, really to see me, I was nervous about the gesture of giving her a mix tape I had made. I figured that maybe there wouldn't be so much pressure because mix tapes seem to run in indie circles, whereas she was really the antithesis of indie. However, I knew that that was just a lie to try to make myself feel better, to take any nervousness out of the situation. I can't quite remember how long I spent on the tape, except that there was a night or two that I became really frustrated because I couldn't quite get the tape down. I ended up finishing the cover to her tape the day that she was arriving into Portland, cutting out a picture of a daredevil BMX rider leaping over the Great Wall of China from some year in review magazine that came with a South China Morning Post. She seemed like she enjoyed the gift and more importantly, she understood what the tape meant and all that it carried with it. I sometimes wonder where the tape is, whether she's binned it or if it's just in some anonymous box in the basement of her abode.
There are two reasons why I mention this tonight. First off, This is a Low is pretty much my favourite Blur song (that or Young and Lovely) and it ended up as the last song of the tape. This is a Low has never meant anything to me in terms of lyrics. After all, legend says that it was written while Damon Albarn was listening to weather forecasts for shipping lanes on the radio. However, the atmosphere that that song generates has resonated with me since I became a bit older and loved Blur for more of their challenging work as opposed to pop song after pop song. I love it's quick geographical tour of the British Isles, I love the guitar and I love the fact that it (almost) ends Parklife.
I also bring all of this up because I had a wonderful evening with Shasta on Friday night. We met after I got off work and headed down to a trendy Japanese restaurant downtown. With it being Friday night, it was quite packed, which led to our food taking a ridiculous amount of time to get to us. It didn't really matter, as the time just flew by with both of us just talking and talking, seemingly with no natural lulls in the conversation. Since we're also co-workers, we talked a bit about work, mainly our new co-worker, but mainly we talked about our own romantic situations and the headaches involved.
The past month has been spent in anger, or at least my feelings towards her have been very angry. I have made a vow that I am not getting in touch with her whatsoever. If she were to get in touch with me, I would respond, but I am no longer making that effort. I have been angry at the way things fell apart and the manner in which they were handled. During our two hour stay at the Japanese restaurant, Shasta brought up a situation in which there were uncanny parallels to my situation and it opened my eyes a bit to the way that she may have been thinking. How things went from unchecked excitement in regards to my upcoming visit to all of a sudden freaking out and not being able to see me at all. How she had the audacity to say to me that she didn't want to lead me on because she knew that I was a person with very strong feelings, yet with that knowledge, still flippantly ran her mouth about various things that she knew I would take seriously.
I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I don't know if I miss her or not, I really don't. I find myself really, really isolating myself from everybody. I've been bad with emails, I've been bad with phone calls. There have been too many nights spent alone, nights in which there is no excuse for not going out and attempting to be social and yet, like tonight, I find myself alone in my room, singing along to whatever songs that the iPod throws up for me.
Once again, the only justification I have for any of this is that this is the way that things have to be, that this is the price I have to pay. My question now is that I have no idea what I'm paying for and how much it's going to cost.
(And at the same time, I really just want to go out and meet girls)